snowflakes

Who are you?

We sat down to work out who I was.

A Voice From the Past said: 'Ski Racer!'

Nah, won't do. That was way too long ago. Besides, now you have metal screws in your knee and have not raced for nearly 3 years. Sure you love to ski, but you are no longer a ski racer.

'Can I be a Scientist?' Nerd said.

Nope, you are no longer working in the lab - remember? Yeah sure, you keep reading all sorts of science papers but you are not doing research. I can see though why you'd like to call yourself a scientist - you just love being a smart ass!

'Can I be a Med Student - pleaaseee...' Nerd tried again.

Hmm - that's a hard one. Technically you are and you have heaps of textbooks that say that you are but you are not doing quite enough work to be a good Med Student. You just have to admit that you've been too distracted.

'All right, all right.... So what do you think I am?' the Lost One pined.

Let's see... Those science papers you keep reading, they are all fertility related - are they not? You have not been particularly interested in heart and lung stuff but you know your endocrinology pretty well. You are glued to your computer it's almost like you live in cyber space - fertility related cyber space, that is. For you it is not Monday or Tuesday; it is 'Day 18', 'Day 19', 'Scan Day' or 'Trigger Day'. Now, I'd say you are Infertile Woman.

'Oh, come on! Surely I am a bit more than just that!'

That's it for now. We'll re-assess this in a few months time.

'That's not fair! That's too long!'

Well, you'll just have to learn to be patient.

posted by snowhite @ 1:34 AM 2 comments

Mr Optimist and Dr Hope

Blood test was a little bit positive.

Dr Hope called and said that really there was not much hope but we could test again. He is Dr Hope after all.

Mr Optimist said it was better than last time, better than a plain negative.

Dr Hope and Mr Optimist both agreed that we should try again.

My Pesimist mind and Rebel body laughed - sure, have another bet and another...

posted by snowhite @ 7:53 PM 3 comments

Before and after

Life is divided into before and after.

For me it used to be before and after the war - Bosnian war of early 1990's that is. The war came in suddenly and stole all I called my way of life. Since then the before and after line moved a couple of times - it became about before and after life in Australia, then about before and after loving the Optimist.

Now it is all about before and after infertility. I don't know when infertility became the new line. The realisation downed me one day while standing in our kitchen and staring at the fridge covered in cards.

The card with two fish in sepia reminds me of early days with the Optimist. Days when we spent hours in inner city cafes planning adventures - India, Libya, Iran, Bosnia were on our maps. We always had a trip up our sleeve. Then there are cards wishing us well on our wedding day and cards wishing us well on our marriage anniversaries.

The 'after' cards include calendar cut outs turned into medical charts - cycle dates, drug doses, test results and appointments are all neatly recorded. Next to the chart is a card with DrHope's numbers.

There used to be cards announcing births of friends' babies but these are no longer making it onto our fridge door.

The fridge hides multiple boxes of drugs. Optimist has become an expert at injecting me. Injections are our little ritual - like an evening cup of tea.

In the freezer is our wedding cake - waiting the birth of our first child. Made by Optimist's grandmother, moved interstate, stored with friends while we worked overseas and saved a couple of times from a failing fridge.

In a couple of weeks we move again - the drugs and the cake are moving with us.

posted by snowhite @ 3:46 PM 0 comments